How do I get my 3y/o to not be so clingy/needy on me? Its becoming a problem. I am a stay @ home military mom.
Answers:
The moms who have answered this question who are not in the military DON'T UNDERSTAND. It's not like being a regular stay at home mom.
I am an Army wife and I have a five year old son and three year old daughter. My husband joined the Army when our son was almost two, and left for a year, during which time our daughter was born. We were together for several months at home in Germany (after he'd deployed to Kosovo for three months), and then he was deployed for a year. He's now been home for a year, and it's the longest time we've spent together in four years.
The day I told my then three year old son to go upstairs so I wouldn't hurt him, I started sending the kids to hourly care once a week. It gets just that frustrating. During the deployment, the CDC had staffing issues so they shut down hourly care for two months of the summer! The army says they care about families, but sometimes that's at the bottom of the list of things they care about.
It really does feel like you have no where and no one to go to, because all your friends and family are on the other side of the world and have probably never been through what you're going through. Your FRG says they're "not a babysitting service," but sometimes they're the only people you know. You ask the same friends over and over to babysit, and only when you've already long passed the point of desperation.
It's hard to be honest with other moms--who all seem to have it together, somehow--about how hard it is and how much you need help. But they all understand. Start connecting with them however you can. I promise that they're not all holding it together as well as you think.
Most bases have a playgroup organized through the family center. Call up and ask them when and where it meets. This is a great way to get your daughter used to being out of the house and around other adults and kids. You'll get out of the house, too, and the moms will be a little more forthcoming about what they're really dealing with than they would be in a more formal setting, like an FRG meeting.
If there's no playgroup, start asking your neighbors with kids if any of their friends get together for their own informal group--some of them probably do, and won't hesitate to invite you if you say, "You know, I just feel like I need to see some new people!" Or approach another mom you see at hourly care, and ask her if she'd like to get the kids together another time. People are pretty ready to help during deployments, because they're bored and lonely, too. JUST ASK.
Ask these other moms if they're interested in exchanging child care. Set it up so that one of you watches both of your kids once a week, and alternate back and forth like that. You won't feel like you're imposing because you're helping her out, too. And your daughter will be with her friends that she sees at playgroup and she'll be distracted by playing with the other kids.
Your daugher will cry at first when she's left with someone else. But you have to keep doing it regularly and let it become part of her routine. She hasn't learned how to do it yet because you've never let yourself be away from her. She'll cry the first few times, and then she'll come to expect it.
Think about her perspective right now. Mommy never leaves. Daddy does leave. When Daddy leaves, he doesnt' come back. When Mommy leaves, what will happen? You have to teach her that Mommy comes back. That will help her understand that Daddy is coming back, too.
All you can do for your daughter is set up the best situation you can for her, and stick to it every week. Remember: IF YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAUGHTER. And if you don't take care of yourself, no one else is there to take care of you. Do what you have to do to keep this together. Just ask for help!
The one thing I learned being stationed in Germany--and I learned it during the first flight from WA state to Germany alone with two kids--is to ask for help. If you shove a car seat in someone's face on the airplane jetway and say, "Can you carry this and just give it to the flight attendant please?" they'll do it. If you carry everything yourself like a pack mule and break down crying halfway there, folks are going to keep their distance!
If I can help you any more, write to me at armymomknitter@ yahoo.com and I'll give you my main email address.
Other Answers:
Children need to cling it's a part of their upbringing. They need love. Release of clinging comes after maturity. You have a child so this is undoubtedly your fate. Two choices you arrive at now: Thinking about yourself and having alone time at the expense of your childs healthy mental upbringing, or a bit of practice and self-discipline placing your child before yourself for her psychological needs until she is stable enough be on her own.
My son was the same way...
Once he reached the age of 4 & found Ninja Turtles, he would play for hours alone in his room, giving me a break.
My daughters on the other hand, were clingy untill they went to school at age 4.
Good luck.
I used to be a military wife. I remember those days. I babysat a lot for some of the other mom's. You've probably already gotten to know a lot of other wives by now if not get out there. They are in need of friends too. Let your daughter play. She'll be going to school before too long. You need to start socializing. Make play-dates, just go to the park and "mingle" or get with a group of wives that have kids. Once you start showing her that it's o.k to talk to other people and have friends she'll do the same. Try to have fun. If you do ever drop her off any where tell her that you are leaving and that you will be back and give her the time. she will need the security of knowing that you are not abandoning her and she can watch the clock if she to. i.e. (when the hand gets on the 2) And please don't sneak out on her. Next time she'll really not let you leave. This all worked for me. GOOD LUCK
Source(s):
mother of a 5 yr old ex-clinger My son was a clinger too. But I cherished every minute of it because I knew that this stage wasn't going to last very long. You sound like a wonderful mother. I never had any personal time either, because I was a stay-at-home mom.
As my son grew up, I also noticed that he has a heart for people and is very sensitive and loyal to his friends. He is just that way. He's 15 now, and has become a leader among his friends. He is very honest, and I'm very proud of his decisions as a teen.
Don't worry about it. They DO grow out of it. Now I miss those "clingy days".
Don't feel guilty about her being clingy. It just shows that you are a GREAT MOM!!! Really, I'm telling you the truth.
good luck
I am in the same boat, actually we could be sitting right next to each other. I just started getting a baysitter two times a week. I have the sitter (the same one every time) come here on Thurs afternoon, and sat evenings. When my husband is home, rarely... that is date night, while he is gone, I go out alone or with a friend for a few hours. My son cries when I leave, but he is always okay after a few minutes, and they tend to have a good time, They know that when Teressa shows up, she is watching them, and mommy will be home soon.
Good luck girl! You have got to get out. When they deploy it is so hard to just stay with the kids all the time, you NEED adult time, when You aren't speaking in simple sentences and doing baby tricks to entertain. Find a trustworthy babysitter and USE them! Sounds to me as if your child is thriving for your attention, he/she misses you, maybe feeling a bit insecure too, have some patience, spend some time when you can.
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