4 year old with disiplene problems?
Answers:
He has probably been feeling pretty powerless since the arrival of his sibling. He was the center of your world for 3 years and now has to share you with a needy child. He is finding power and gaining attention when he is aggressive to the baby and pets. Even though the attention he gets for being aggressive is negative, it is still attention. Find some ways to help him to feel powerful when he is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You did that by yourself! You used so many colors on that picture! You ran super fast!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders, great ways to give attention, and will help him to feel powerful in a positive way.
Good for you for taking a day a week to spend with him. Take a little time each day to show him how much you love him. When the baby is sleeping, do an art project, read him a story, have him help you make a snack or prepare dinner. You can also have him help with the baby. He can pick out the baby’s outfit, get a diaper, feed the baby, help with bath time. Tell him he is so lucky to be a big brother. He will be able to teach the baby so much because he is older. He will feel proud of himself if he gets messages like these.
Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your son misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he makes a mess, he cleans it. If he breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. When he is aggressive to the baby or pets, rush to the baby or pets and pick them up. Say things like “Ouch! That must have hurt!” Empathize a lot. Ignore your son. He will not like feeling left out and realize that he is not getting attention for this behavior. Be overly dramatic about it when he goes near the pets or his brother. Say “Oh no! I’m worried he might hurt you. Let’s move away from him where I can keep you safe.” Another thing you can do when he is aggressive is to take him gently to a place away from his brother or the pets (his room, the couch) and say “When you are ready to be gentle then you can come back.” Let the discipline fit the crime. This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling him). He returns when he's ready to control himself. You may have to take him back to the spot a few times before he gets the message. You can do this for many misbehaviors. As soon as he misbehaves, get down to his level and say “I do not like when you (explain what and why).” Take him to your designated spot. Tell him “When you’re ready to (stop, listen, calm down…) then you can come back with us.” Thank him when he behaves. Keep it up!
Empathize with him when he is calm. Say things like “You must have felt really (mad, angry, frustrated, hurt, upset.). What can we do about that?” Give him some ideas about what to do instead of being aggressive. He should learn to better express his feelings.
Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Pick your battles! Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!
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