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My GF *L* and I were having lunch with our kids. Her daughter *K* is going on 5 years old. *L*'s ex husband promised *K* a barbie if she was good all week at school and *K* was bugging *L* to go and buy it 'now'. I asked her why, and she responded that her ex bought the one for last week. It seems that *K* is getting something every week she's a good girl at preschool. When I responded 'you're bribing your child to be good at school???' (very appalled mind you) she said *K* was having behavior issues with school, but then we were interrupted and didn't get to finish our conversation.

I DO have problems with her parenting style (namely giving in when her daughter pesters her into giving up) but I'd never heard of this--is this normal? My dd is a great daycare kid so I'm in the dark. Opinions?

Answers:
Rewarding is a child is all fine and dandy. But it should be the parent who decides WHEN and what to reward. Never reward a child who is "asking" or "telling" you they've been good. This is learnt manipulation and will get worse as the child gets older. Especially if the parents give in. Sounds like the adults need to sit down and discuss this and be consistent with raising this child. Sounds like she's learning to manipulate and to no fault of her own - it's working for her!

Other Answers:
Dont know

Yes, I know parents that do this, although it's not a method I would recommend, nor one I would use myself on a weekly basis especially.

I occasionally will reward my kids for good grades with dinner at Chuck E Cheese's or something, but even that would only be 4 times per school year at the most.

rewarding your kids is definitely ok, it makes them feel good about themselves, although there are certainly other ways to reward them then to buy them things all the time. if she is obsessivly giving her things so that she will be good that is probably not what is best for the child, if the child is good on their own without expecting a gift, then the gift won't hurt.
it sound a little bit like competition between parents also. you may want to call that to her attention.

Being a preschool teacher and a Mom myself I definitely have an opinion on this and I agree with you.

This child is learning to behave properly so that she will receive gifts and rewards. She should be learning the natural rewards that come with good behaviour such as pride from her family as well as in her self, better relationships with her peers and a good feeling overall about her day and her abilities.

Her family is setting her up because as she gets older they are not going to be able to keep up this reward system and she's going to have to learn the intrinsic value of appropriate behaviour all over again when it's harder to learn and the consequences are worse.

As a teacher I have done a daily note home that I write with the child to their family about how their day has gone. I know that families will reward a child after a week or two of good reports but I have never heard of a reward every single day. In my opinion they are doing a disservice to their child.

I agree with you Sounds completely wrong to me. Maybe she is having "behavioural issues" because she is a spoilt brat.
Rewards should be a trip to the park maybe rent a dvd but not every week. If its a barbie at pre school whats it going to be in 5 years time.

this is a reward system...it is fine....recommended by most cognitive behavioral therapists...in fact, the consistency of the reward for good behavior is key - she can predict what will happen if she behaves. it's a good thing. dont worry about it.
Source(s):
I'm a psychotherapist who works with children Let your girlfriend be the best parent she can be and stop getting involved in her parenting skills.

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