! Help with my SON?
So im a single mom at 26 and i'm so worried that my son is going to grow up and be worse than he is now. I feel like i cant control him and i try to displine him and it really dont work cause i have a problem with sticking to it.
I love him so much and he is so smart for his age and i know he understands me but sometimes he laughs at me. So if you have any helpful tips plz share with me.
Thank you very much
Answers:
If he is disobeying you and laughing at you, you need to establish some boundaries with him. As a single mom, your inclination will probably be to treat him like another adult in the household - or at the least, more grown up than he is. It's a normal reaction, but you must fight against it. You need to make it clear to him that you're the boss, not him.
Unfortunately, your lack of consistency and respect for yourself as an adult and a parent is the main problem. It's not easy or fun to discipline a child. It takes self discipline to do it. But you must, MUST, MUST be consistent with reasonable expectations and punishments, or you will never win your battles with him, and he'll be running the household. Would you want to live in a house where an 8 year old called all the shots? They're not capable of raising themselves, you have to do it.
What method you choose for punishment - time out, spanking, nose in the corner, grounding, removal of priveleges - is really irrelevent unless it's obviously not working and preventing the behavior later. But whatever method you choose must be CONSISTENTLY applied.
Let's look at this sample situation: He asks you if he can have a toy. You tell him no - for whatever reason - and he whines, pouts, or puts on a show for whoever's around. If you give in, all you've taught him is that he can get his way by misbehaving. So what do you think he's going to do? Of course, he'll misbehave.
The trouble with this is that if you hold out longer, but then give in after prolonged misbehavior, all he's learned is that he has to do it longer, or worse, until you cave. You teach him that he can get his way, one way or the other, and that you are only there to feed him and clothe him - not to raise him and teach him how to function in society. And he'll treat you accordingly, which is basically like a slave.
It might help you to spend some time thinking about what he does that you don't like and that you want him to stop doing. Write some boundaries down for your own reference, such as "The next time he disobeys me, I'm going to send him to his room for 30 minutes." Make the punishment appropriate to the crime.
Then think it through. If that doesn't work, what's your backup plan? What are you going to do when he gets mad at you or acts out? How are you going to show him that it won't work?
One example I have is when my daughter puts me on the spot when she's asking for something. For instance, she'll bring her friend into the room and ask me if her friend can spend the night, while her friend is standing there. This puts me in a tough position because I can't politely say no - it practically forces me to say yes. So, my rule with her is that if she does that, the answer is always no, even if I would have said yes otherwise. The same is true for begging -- if she even utters a whiny "but mom..." then the answer is no, no, and no some more.
It solves the problem completely and teaches her to have some respect for other people's boundaries.
You MUST be consistent. You'll have to work at it, but nothing is more important for your child's well-being except love.
One last note - since he's 8 years old, it will be something of a shock to him that you're suddenly being consistent. So you should sit down with him and explain the situation candidly. It may help to make him understand how lost he'd be without your guidance and discipline. He might imagine what it would be like to be lost in the city, all on his own with no money. Remind him that all you want is for him to be healthy and happy, and that if he is to grow up that way, you have to teach him how. Tell him you know you've not been so consistent in the past, but it's time now.
You might even offer him the opportunity to bust you when you falter. That would really help you both. Set up a jar on the counter and every time you give in to his begging, whining, or cajoling after you've already said no, put in a dollar. All the money in the jar goes into a savings account for him. It gives him incentive to challenge you, but he will also be a wonderful alarm when you slip up. :)
Other Answers:
You have to be persistant. Do not give in! He is learning that he can control you. Sit him down and talk to him about how much you love him and that you are setting rules to protect him and help guide him into adulthood. Sit down and go over the rules with him and set firm consequences. Make a mini poster with the rules and consequences on it so that you both can refer to it and it will help you stay firm. If it is in writing its harder to go against it. If you don't set rules and gain control now you will loose it and may not be able to get it back. Good luck!
Source(s):
The wonders of child managment classes in my teacher ed program!
No matter how hard it is for you, you must stick to what you say to him or he will never believe that you are serious. A friend of mine has children who walk all over her because she refuses to stick to her word on punishment or anything else yet the kids stay with me & they are fine because I do what I say I will do. I've heard this concept commented on many times & know for a fact that it is instrumental in controlling your child...
Always remember that YOU are the parent and HE is the child. Don't let him run all over you, you shouldn't feel bad and let him get away with stuff just because you are a single parent. If he is laughing at you know, imagine when he gets older. Put his little behind on check and show him to respect you and other adults. And most importantly stick to your word when you say you are going to do something. Good luck!
Do not get discouraged. Just because you are a single parent doesn't mean he will be worse off, he is going to be okay, you obviously love him very much, and thats what counts, myself as well as all of my friends come from "broken homes" and we are all great, and in each situation it was different.
I do believe there are some things a boy needs a male influence for try the boys and girls club of America they have tons of programs thar can help your son, or maybe try the big brother big sister program. I believe either one of those will help your situation.
I worked at the boys and girls club and I have seen it help many children, even not going to the counselors, just the different teachers/instructors made a difference in the childrens lives, and I have seen children come in with an awful track record and within a few months they are doing well in school, and their home life had improved.
Good luck and dont give up
You need to realize that if you say something to your child as a form of parenting or correcting him you need to stick to what you say. For example if youtell him to clean his room and he doesn't and you do it for him you are defeating your purpose of asking him to do it. If you do it for him then the next time you ask, he will just think well if I don't mom will. Carrying through on things is the most effective way to get through to a child. Remember Do as I say or there will be cosequences and mean it
All you have to do is start sticking with it. He is not going to hate you he is only 8.
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